The Johnny Klister Birkie Training Plan (by Wave), Summer Edition.
With photos of various US Ski Team members hurting themselves (FOOT BLISTER!!) and summertime training hijinx in full effect, you don’t want to miss out on the most important part of the summer, which is clearly, getting ready for the birkie. Since beyond wave 9 is usually reserved for Zombies, first-time skiers over age 87, and small children posing as adults- none of whom read this website- we’ll begin with a plan for skiers in waves 3 through 8.
Firstly, focus in on the amount of time you have for daily training. To achieve wave three status, you’ll need roughly fifteen minutes of training time every three days. It’s best if you have a quiet place to focus on your training: a garage or basement will do. Isolation is important. Before we begin, you’ll need the following:
1. Access to the internet so you can play this video. I
2. A sweet bandana ala the karate kid.
3. A shake weight.*
4. A gallon of whole milk. (for calcium)
5. A one-piece race suit.
*You will not actually use the shake weight.
Here’s the workout routine:
Slip on your race suit. Ideally, you’ll want to spent as much time as possible wearing your suit.
Warm up for three minutes by standing in place. Merely standing will increase your heart rate considerably from sitting. Focus on good posture (core), relaxed upper body, and strong physical alignment. Breathe. (inhale then exhale)
Once warmed up, press play on the video above filled with strong training innuendo. Focus on Pat Morita. Focus.
Drink the milk.
Check for a pulse.
Finish.
Congratulations, you’re fifteen minutes closer to the third wave of the birkie. By this time next month, we’ll begin a tapering process that will leave you fitter and faster than ever.